I was oblivious to the twisted, anxious inner voice draining my outgoing, adventurous personality. It had slowly erased memories, damaged relationships, allowed for poor career choices and more. In short, I became a 35year old woman obsessing over the ridiculous and completely oblivious to my now reality.
I experienced my first actual anxiety attack a few months ago. It came suddenly and painfully so. Stuck in this vicious cycle I still hadn’t sought any help. I had let it take it take hours of my time in anxious thought and more importunately that fear that is ingrained in your inner thought process yet not recognising where it was coming from. I knew that I would have to seek medical advice yet I would let that inner voice convince me that I was being ridiculous…
Reality sets in
I had been invited to a social event a very important one. I had fretted again spending hours in anxious thought yet I was looking forward to it. I knew that I would have a good time yet at the last minute, I cancelled making farfetched excuses of why I couldn’t go. I called my doctor the next day and arranged an appointment.
My Doctors Visit
Determined I went; Cleary not well the basic instruction from receptionist had me overwhelmed and at breaking point. It came with a flood of a thoughts and I was unable to acculturate much. Blurred vision, Shaky hands and I can still see clearly see concern on her face. This stranger shared a connection with me she may not be aware of it but I swear she was about to put her hands out and lead the way. I pulled myself together. I managed to make my way up those stairs into that waiting room.
I knew I think I already had the answer internalized, we talked or it was more like I talked a flood of words of thoughts came pouring out. In discussion while the doctor listened I had my light bulb moment I had experienced my first panic attack. I was in crisis.
Doctors Treatment plan
Simple to start medication and of course all other options were discussed. I do need to talk to someone but at that moment in time I did not care! Bring on the medication. I needed help & fast.
Now that I acknowledge that I had anxiety that week had opened the flood gate to my issues. Heart palpations, shaky hands endless needless obsessive ridiculous thoughts. I was off from work that week grateful I made my way home and I suppose came to terms with stuff all the while sucked into this downward spiral of shutting myself away from life.
Learning about anxiety
I used to call myself the queen of google or so I thought! I finally googled anxiety, I found a HSE website which had some good information. It empowered me and described in detail everything that I had been experiencing. Breathing techniques work and I use all the time now… check out below links for more detail.
There are thousands of articles out there.
Medication & My future
Weeks in it began to work. I would surprise myself with real hearty laughs and suddenly recognise that I am not so conscious of things or had not spent hours over thinking and analysing my thoughts. This simple but wonderful insight into what my life used to be. I want to grip on that and never let go. I would do things like makes simple plans and stick to them.
My days off are now filled with more activities no longer spent on the couch watching tv. I had literally spent two years sitting on that couch munching on chocolate living in a tunnel of anxiety and managing RA (A topic for another day). I just about had enough energy to keep it together by working hard to pay the bills who would have thought this bright girl had lost her spark. I kept that to myself though I am sure if I ask those closest to me they may have had a different story to tell.
A brief glimpse to a happier positive future is ahead. I am working towards that daily now as I learn to separate my anxiety to my reality.